degrees of separation

its cold outside, she said, but i know you won't come in. do you want me to make you a cup, she asked tentatively. he'd already turned away, having said what he'd wanted to say, heard what she couldnt. half way up the twisted stony path he stopped for a moment.
yes?
nothing, he said, hurriedly. i thought i left something inside. its right here.
what is it?
but he had already turned the corner.

he had left something inside, but he knew that if he went back to get it he'd never leave. he'd be stuck in there, with the door plainly in sight but endlessly running around in a maze he'd helped her construct in the otherwise defunct second bedroom of the apartment. it had been fun, he remembered, deciding where to put the walls, and then spending weeks, months busily sawing away, the hours slipping by like nothing while the hands were working. that project had ended, ofcourse. they'd thought of making a loft next, nice place for a couple of beds and a tv, which they later re-arranged to be just a single rather large mattress and bunch of throw cushions for company. things had been simpler when they were busy marking off layers of the sky as their own.

a gust of air jerked him back to time. it was cold outside.

*

do you know what we're really looking for, she asked suddenly, propping herself up on her elbow that sunday morning months ago.
warmth, he mumbled, and grabbed at the blanket she'd dislodged.
oh come on...how long can you lie there?
all day, honey...watch me. but..just to show you my dedication to our cause, i will get up, now, and answer your question.
magnanimous of you.
isn't it?, sleep seeping away from his eyes. now what was it you wanted? that's right...what we're really looking for. now if i were the popular culturalist, i'd say what you realllly want right now is a house out in the hamptons, with a bmw parked outside. you want to be free, you want to cut yourself from the rest of the world, and just be, and every sinew in your body is trying to get you there at every moment.
but you're not, then?
no, 'course not. popular culturalists are necessarily children of a culture i don't particularly agree with. he grinned, here, that particular smile that arched across his face revealing only slightly crooked teeth, but a serenity you could dive into.
so what do you think, then, oh smartass?
me? i don't know, shrugging. maybe all i'm really looking for is peace. maybe that's all anyone's looking for, really. but how do you define peace? it's not just one thing..and its so fragile..so transient, you hardly even notice its there before it suddenly isn't. blink, and you missed it.
mm, i know. we're always so busy running around from A to B to C through to X, even if we do hit peace somewhere in the middle its hardly for long enough to notice. we don't settle, anymore...no-one wants to settle. we want to keep moving, to keep 'evolving', to play our own little part in the rat race out there.
even if we don't know it, eh?
even if we don't know it, we are the shiny (not yet finished) product of humanity, and we've got to prove that we're worth the title. and so we run.
further than has been done before, just to show we're better. it's so competitive..where does peace fit into any of that? it's like our way of life has structured itself around dangling a piece of cheese in front of our noses, enticing us to yet greater depths, providing fuel you couldn't match, but we never really get there, do we? I mean if we're to fulfill our roles in the evolutionary ladder we can hardly just sit still, can we? and when we run, we hope that by achieving something we may someday be able to sit down and rest for a while, but it never quite works out that day, does it? when you start running, you keep running. to stop now would be murder.
murder?
you'd be killing yourself, and everything you've done, by resting on what you've got. if a human being is measured by his worth in terms of how far and long he can run as compared to anyone else, stopping is quitting, and quitting is akin to shooting oneself. you no longer exist in the race..the human race.
sounds gruesome. why do you always make everything seem so hopeless?
hardly hopeless, love. come here, i'll show you something.
she rolled over to his side of the bed, and he shook the covers free and put his arms around her, enclosing her completely. they were nose to nose.
look into my eyes. what do you see?
her face cracked into a grin. what kind of overly dramatic question is that? i feel like i should say something like 'i see everything', or something equally absurd.
what do you see?
i see..me. my reflection..and i see..hmm..i can't put my finger on it. you're..you're happy aren't you?
what do you feel?
warm.
that's all the peace you need, sometimes.

-

what i'm really in love with, he said, is your stomach.
oh really?
yes..its beautiful. perfect.
great..so many in the world, and i had to find one with a gastroenterological fetish.
smile. let me explain this to you, then. come 'ere. now sit next to me. right. notice how my arm fits perfectly around that waist? its amazing.
i suppose now would be the time i tell you that i'm in love with your arm, she grinned.
funny how we pick body parts.

they sat there, still, for hours without words or movement or drifting silences, in an elongated moment of intensity.

yea, it is funny. sometimes i wonder if its just the stomach that you need, she confessed, finally.
only as much as you need the arm.
but what happens if, one day, you don't need a stomach?
everythings based on need..we do what we need to, whatever it is, with whomever it is. maybe it's just time, maybe its just circumstance, maybe this..all this, that tree, this ladybug who's about to jump to the next leaf, maybe they're all just a sort of constructed reality based on a need felt by a human being. maybe you don't even exist at all. maybe i'm just a figment of
your imagination. maybe even both of our imaginations, giving each other what they need when they need it.
you didn't answer my question.
didn't i?

-

i don't love you, you know, she said, hands on hips, with that particular look on her face with lips pursed that let him know that this wasn't a drill.
don't you?
no. because we knew what love was, once, and i don't know where you are anymore. where were you?
out.
on the one hand i don't want to take your escapes away from you, and on the other as an escape i feel i've a right to know if you're going to run away from here, so that i can atleast pack.
im not running away. i just need to be away, sometimes. how can you escape from an escape?
you can't. not unless you stop using it.
there's that. he paused. so you don't love me?
no. i can't. not like this. you should know that better than anyone.
i don't belong to you, you know..you and i both know that we need our space.
theres a difference between walking away and running away. ive grown accustomed to walking from you.
im not running away.
liar.
are you leaving?
where would i go? i live here.

-

i can't breathe, he said to her once, out on the porch.
what's wrong?
nothing.
liar.
that smile, again. don't worry. i'll be fine. you said you were going to head out in a few minutes..take my car, your left front doesnt have enough air in it.

it wasn't as much fun as i'd thought, she said. but the band was great. met up with some great people.
cool..knew you'd have fun.
yeah. you coming to bed, or are you going to sit out here all night?
i'll be up in a while.
whats wrong?
nothing.
liar.

how was your reverie, oh king of the dramatic loners?
same as ever, queen.
good night.
'night.

-

could you keep it down?, she said, head poking through the gap between door and wall. i'm trying to talk to a friend of mine, and he can't hear me over the music.
that alright?
a little lower.
can't go any lower..i start losing my place in the song.
well then i guess you can't go any lower. we'll be done in a while, you can practice in the living room, then.
his fingers were already moving around the board.

-

i wish you wouldn't do that, she said.
do what?, hanging his coat on the rack.
go out on your own so much. you know how dangerous you can be.
i can handle it.
oh i'm sure. you'll handle everything perfectly.
what's that supposed to mean?
nothing.
liar.
don't kill yourself.
hardly what i'm doing. look at my face, if you don't believe my lips. do i look like i'm going to slip over an edge?
sometimes i can't tell anymore, it would seem.
guess not, he said, bounding upstairs.

she didnt come to bed till he was already asleep that night. an old friend called, and they caught up.

-
the thing is, he said, that life's like this big..nothing. theres nothing quite like life, is there?
nothing quite fits, no. it's like a jigsaw, different pieces from different places.
except that with a jigsaw you know what it is you're constructing.
and hence its not quite like a jigsaw, either. quod erad demostradum.
you're really proud of knowing what that stands for, aren't you?
'course.
this isn't any old jigsaw, though..it's huge, for one.
well yea..it's a little intricate, if thats what you're getting at, but then what'd you expect? you're trying to describe something that most of the time you shouldn't be worrying about.
just keep building, don't worry about it, eh?
exactly..why do you insist on dissecting it? do you really need a 'theory'?
'need' is always a strong word. but it's nice to have something to fall back on when you feel its falling all around you, isn't it? and its hardly as if anyone lives without his or her own personal little theory about the way things work. the real conflicts, the conflicts of self, arise when we find something that we can't explain in any terms. the human being is a very egocentric creature, you realise. it must feel that it has a certain degree of knowledge over a situation. knowledge, ofcourse, doesn't always equate to control, but it's a start. and what's the most paralysing feeling you've ever felt?
she bit her lip. helplessness.
exactly. when you're helpless you just have no idea what's going on, and you don't know if theres anything you can do to change things.
well that isn't exactly true. you can more or less understand what's going on in a situation and still be helpless. what if you were being tortured, and i were locked in this room and couldn't get out, but i knew you were being hurt in there? i'd be helpless, but i'd know what was going on.
yes, but your lack of knowledge now moves over to a more active dimension.
translate.
you don't know if theres anything you can do. you don't know how to do what you want, which is, presumably, to stop me from being tortured. a stretch of presumption, ill grant you, but there it is. he smiled.
yes, quite the stretch, egocentric creature, she said, and grinned. so what you're saying is that everyone comes up with their belief system, morals, everything, based on what they consider to be their theory of life.
exactly. its all about being able to explain things. we want to be able to tell what, why, when, where. naturally curious, even naturally egomaniacal, to an extent.
except that theres no such thing as 'natural', ofcourse. it's all a social construction of reality based on the society that surrounds us.
be that as it may, the society does still exist around us, and so the social
construction holds.
so your rules won't work on an island community of koala bear worshipping community-based hunter/gatherers?
precisely.
nifty.
don't you think?
now there's a loaded question.
well someone's in quite the mood tonight. well i'm headed off. need to get outside.
want me to come along?
if you'd like.
that means no, doesnt it?
smile.

-

one night he came home to an empty house. mustve got tired of waiting, he thought, and went around each room checking, just to make sure. that's what happens when you push people too hard, he added to himself, as he played the blues piece he'd been working out in his head all week.
you're getting better, she said.
didn't hear you come in over my noise. where were you?
out.
hope you enjoyed yourself.
we did.

he started playing again, then. she sat and listened a while.
finally, he stopped midway through a scale he had just gotten down.
i get so tired, sometimes, he said, and put his arms around her, enclosing her.
i know..it's alright. she didn't move, or resist.
you're cold, he said.
i know.

-